sigh.

originally i said i didnt want to use this blog to complain or post anything negative, but things have been so hard lately i have nothing else to post about. i cant go out, i cant leave the bed/couch. its really starting to affect me mentally. not only am in in constant discomfort and pain but now i just feel like im going crazy. and i just found out that i cant get into see the doctor till the 5th of december. i dont know what im going to do for the next week. im afraid. and i start chemo on the 3rd. i really wanted to have this last bit of time to myself, to feel strong and do what i wanted to do before the chemo starts. and i was under the impression that i needed this appointment before the chemo, just in case i needed surgery. i really hate feeling like i have to suffer because other people drop the ball. like basically my whole experience at this hospital. this appointment was supposed to be set up last week. clearly they forgot and wouldnt have called me if al and i hadnt hounded everyone that works there yesterday. i dont know how im going to do this, another week of living like this. i was just hoping i could get an appointment so they could give me some tips on how to get relief. i shouldnt complain im sure there are a ton of people going through much worse than me. i just feel like im having more time stolen from me. its not fair. i spend at least 3/4s of my day in the bathroom. the rest of the time im waiting to have to go to the bathroom, or in pain.
im going to try to think of positive things. we are ordering swiss chalet for dinner. theres a new gossip girl on tonight. fonzie is so cute, she knows im sick so she has been following me around and acting like a guard cat. she wont leave my side, its so adorable. ummm. thats about it.
im also very thirsty. im drinking fluids, but obviously that doesnt help my constant leaking situation. but if i stop im worried about my kidneys since theres only one good working one.
well i have to go back to the bathroom. sorry for being a drag. hopefully my next post wont suck.

say what?

sorry i havent been blogging this week, ive been feeling like total shit. im going to d o a big one later, i already have some saved in a draft.


see you tonight!

look below me!!

'keepin it brief 'aka '6 oreo cookies down'

i started this blog and a bunch of crap got erased for some reason. so ill try to re write.
mostly i was trying to say i dont have much to write about because of this stupid bladder issue. its so uncomfortable and awful. a urologist was supposed to call me to make an appt and no one has. i tried to call them on friday and was passed around to a bunch of people and then i got one nurse who laughed and said 'ha, good luck trying on a friday, everyone leaves early on a friday.' oh, im sorry, i thought i was calling a hospital not an elementary school. anyways i have to call them first thing tomorrow and get on their asses.

im going to have to do two things so i can keep this brief. the first is im going to try to remember and write things starting today and going backwards. the second is im going to write beside the pictures like a slide show because i couldnt upload them in a proper order.
so today al and i went to ikea to get our christmas decorations. they look pretty nice i cant wait to put them up. the ladies brunch is going to look so nice, i really hope that this bladder thing doesnt get in the way of anything.
yesterday i didnt leave the house, and didnt have the baking party alex and i had planned. she came over though which is still gt's and i hadnt seen her in like two weeks. Lisa came over too, we ate junk food and watched every episode of season two of the sarah silverman show. H-I -Larious. we also had a debate about what it takes to make a marriage successful, and what the right steps in a relationship to take are, to make sure its going to last. it was interesting, because were all a little different which is a good thing. its nice that we all bring a little something different to the table but still respect what the other has to say. because really, none of us have any idea what were talking about, all we can do is base what we know on life experiences. and that doesnt make us experts in anyway. if someone knew the answers to what makes a marriage successful, theyd be rich as all get out and no one would get divorced.
friday al and i ordered in and watched The brothers solomon. its got Gob from arrested development in it. it was pretty funny. like a 6.5 our of 10.
Hey im watching the Girls Next Door right now, one of my fave shows, and McLovin from superbad is on it right now with Bridget. hilarious.
anyways, the rest of the week is a blur. stupid bladder. had a couple of hospital appointments. didnt do much at night. the weekend before was very eventful, went to the states and had an awesome time. here's the slide show....





ok, these werent done on the weekend, i think it was tuesday night maybe. They are called grasshopper cupcakes. chocolate cake, with a york peppermint patty in the center, with a mint buttercream frosting. deeelish. to quote al 'these are the best cupcakes ever'.


Heres al ordering at mighty taco. wowee. this place was interesting. that big guy is the manager, he yelled out the word 'retard' while al was ordering. and hes wearing sunglasses.

this is what i though of their mighty taco.


however, i didnt think so badly of their fountain pop and roastidos.

for the first time in her life, lisa couldnt finish a plate of nachos. her name of weiner con queso might have to be revoked.

this was when i first got my order, i was so unsure....

this was als order. i cant remember what he got but hes written all about it in his mighty taco group that he moderates on facebook. al and his friends used to travel over the river every week to get this shit.

als in heaven here

i bet the employees at tops here this 'hey mam im at taps' a billion times a day from us hilarious canadians.

they have the best junk food in the states. for example, chubby hubby ice cream. my favorite. you cant get it in canada for some reason. its vanilla with a fudge ripple, with chocolate covered, peanut butter filled pretzels scattered throughout.

'hey mam, im at taps!'

heres me at target trying to make some very important decisions

lisa and i preparing for the changerooms

we love to shop!!

al loves to pose!!

lisa loves to smile!!

i spent all my money here. on some really cute dresses.


well i guess thats it for pictures. i guess im done for now.
when i was a kid i thought that the stars of all my favorite shows sang the theme song. i really wish this were true. well it was in one exception. alan thicke sang the growing pains theme song. he also composed the wheel of fortune theme as well as diff'nt strokes and facts of life.
if i had my own sitcom i would insist on singing the theme song.

angry

so it could have been worse. although they only checked the 'provisional mri' since the final results werent ready yet. im not sure why they brought me in if they didnt have results. so i had blood work done and gave a urine sample, and then they gave me some results. the tumor so far doesnt look too much different then before. so thats fairly good news, although im going to be starting chemo anyways in two weeks. im ok with that. what im not ok with is the fact that one of my kidneys isnt working and theres urine in my pelvis and they arent sure that can be fixed. this urine is constantly leaking out of me, my bladder isnt working. im wearing diapers and feel the urgency to pee and its very uncomfortable and gross. this could be the rest of my life. im not sure i can handle that. im sure ill feel better later, but right now i feel like things are just really unfair and i dont see any sort of light at the end.

anyways ill post something more fun later,about our trip 'over the river'.

blergh

im still not feeling so great. im at my parents so im not going to post a for real blog. i just showered and then im going to lay down for the night. i dont know if its withdrawl or what, but going off this steroid is effing with me in the worst way. im so uncomfortable and my bladder is screwed up.
i just felt i need to post something to say that ill have a real blog up soon,and to never ever rent I know who killed me. its a steaming pile of crap. its not lohans fault. although shes no meryl streep. its the messiest directing i think ive ever seen and it seems like there was a lot of effort put into the stripping scenes and zero in crucuial plot developments, character development etc. stupid blue roses pop up everywheere for no reason. she gets this crazy robot hand, as if you would just get an awesome robot hand in a public american hospital. rotten tomatoes gave it a 5% fresh rating


ok im going to go put my leg up and hope i fall asleep early.

brb

sorry for the lack of blog - im not feeling well. i wont get into it but weaning myself off of this one painkiller is totally screwing with me. hopefully it gets better today.ill let you know....

ive realized that i talk about food a lot in here. im comfortable with that. i really like food, and eating the food. especially treats.
so today at the chop i saw these strawberry milkshake oreos and had to buy them. theyre so cute! the insides are pink, it looked like a party in a box. i dont even eat oreos! i only ever ate them at aunt kay and uncle dons when i was little. so i bought a box and theyre pretty good. they are most enjoyable when you split it open and lick out the center.




On the weekend i was talking about one of the essential books i need to get started on my chocolate making, and Bruce had it. he gave it to me! god hes the nicest man. im so glad zeljka is with him. hes so good to people and so kind. this book has everything in it, from the history and origins of chocolate to some mouth watering recipes. i cant wait to get started. i need to buy a few supplies, i wish i could wait till christmas and get them as gifts but i really want to get started because i have some really good ideas. i still need to think about packaging and logos and names etc.



This week blows, so many appointments at the hospital. yesterday was my CT scan which was quick and easy. i got some pictures of my princess margaret makeover in the changeroom.
Before....yuck!


after...hawt stuff!

Today was a meeting with the pain clinic. not only is the steroid im on making me look like a damn chipmunk, but its affecting my leg muscles. apparently it makes muscles deteriorate and then moves on to the bones and makes them brittle. this makes sense since i cant get out of a chair or stand up from a crouching position with out pushing with my arms. so im getting weaned off quicker then i was before. im not taking any of it tonight so hopefully ill be able to sleep well tonight. Tomorrow is my mri, me lying in a machine for an hour. then monday is results day. im not gonna lie, im nervous for it. everyday i inch closer to results, and i can handle them telling me i need treatment, and id love to hear that its stable, but i have this fear that theyre gonna surprise me with some bad news. ah well, we shall see very soon.
so al and i wanted to make homemade pesto, we loved the stuff that adrienne brought us from italy so much we wanted to re create it. well, no one in the city had basil. there were no pine nuts. it was so frustrating. we drove all over hells half acre and wound up in roncesvalles spending ten bucks on friggin basil. and it wasnt like this basil grew out of some blessed ground or anything. the two types of cheese - parmigiann regigano and pecorino - came to about 15 bucks, we couldnt buy the pine nuts or walnuts in bulk so those were about 8 bucks. thank god we had garlic and e v o o already. then we got home and the food processor was being a dick. it got done. and it was actually pretty darn good. so we have a bunch left and im trying to figure out what else i can make with pesto, maybe chicken? if you have suggestions please leave them for me. also, i think itll keep for a week or something, but can i freeze it?
heres me finally finding the basil...

and heres the yummy fettucine with pesto...


ok i think i posed some questions in my previous entry. who is called skidmark? basically either one of the cats. whichever one decides to leave a skidmark right outside the litter box. and sometimes al calls me skid mark. it started saturday morning when i brought up the subject, i cant remember why but the word kept making me laugh really hard. and the concept, like who actually leaves skidmarks? is it from not wiping? or maybe its from sharting? (a fart that is a little bit o' shit). anyways it makes me laugh.
who gave my mom a black eye? if you were going to say derek then think again. she was trying to get a book from the rafters and it fell right on her eye and it broke skin and everything. since menopause ive gotten a lot clumsier, and certain days are worse than other. mom, i think you might be entering the big M, because man you were Kutzy Van Stumbledon this weekend.
my dads senility, well i could post a whole other blog about this. hahaahha. but seriously. he shaved his goatee off and no one noticed and he got his knickers in a knot about it. but the way he brought it up was weird. we were talking about a serious car crash and he starts yelling 'no one said anything to me' and we were like wtf? who said what? then finally mom figured out what he was saying, no one had commented on his new look. what a weirdo.
i think that was it.
i think the last thing i wanted to talk about was how awesome gossip girl is. its like season 1 O.C. good. i hope it stays this way, unlike the O.C.


ok i keep passing out again. im out.

long time no blog

i dont even know where to start its been so long, i kinda just want to skip to friday so i will.
i went to work for a pizza lunch. i paid two dollars for the united way and this allowed me to wear my pyjamas. it was fun. i got to visit a lot of people and eat luke warm pizza. i stayed for a couple of hours and then went home and baked some kick ass chocolate chip cookies. it was the best batch ive made so far. then al and i drove home to st.catharines and went to jack asstors for dinner. it was sooo good. and thats just because i love the garlic bread so much. and the vanilla cola. i had a pasta chicken dish it was so so. but the garlic bread ooooohhhhh the garlic bread. im drooling right now. i wish i had more room in my stomach, i had to take some home and share it with derek.
look at how shiny the butter makes it!!

the next day me, aunt jodi, mom and courtney went over the river (the states for those of you who arent from niagara) to git me a bridesmaids dress for courtneys wedding in august. tried on a few, but settled on one that was perfect for me. its a line with a bow so its comfy, covers up my pouch, and makes me new boobs look nice. new as in a grew them back from gaining wait, i didnt have to pay for them. see for yourself! and theres a couple others from the trip too.
im wearing a guns and roses shirt here.


courtney and i went nuts in this avondale type store cuz of all the weird flavors of chips and chocolate bars.
later that day i discovered i love turkey chilli that has no spice or heat and really small beans. my mom made it and it was wonderful. so now i cant say im afraid to eat chilli.
al fell asleep with some cats on him


later on we went to zeljka and bruces new house. it was fun , and we got to meet fonzy and furleys brothers - shmoo and big foot. heres some pics - check out how friggin big they are, like seriously at least twice the size of our babies.


Sunday mom and i made gingerbread chai cupcakes with a cream cheese frosting. theyre pretty good, except next time im doubling all the spices.

we also had roast beef and yorkshire pudding that night, and it was of course amazing. heres a pic of the yorkshire - everyone was saying 'look at the size of them' and 'i cant believe how big those things are' as my mom holds a pan up in front of each boob.i thought it was funny. shes not used to hearing stuff like that and having it pertain to food.

im falling asleep. the rest of sunday and monday update are going to have to wait till tomorrow.
good night.

long time no bog

Whats that big kitty? you want me to update my blog? ok ok. Im going to have to do it later tonight because i have a CT scan this afternoon.
I havent blogged in a week, whats wrong with me? i just keep falling asleep at the computer when i go to update. tonight though, my plan is to blog before the hills comes on.
not much to write about though, last week was a slow week. had jewellery class, ive been pushing myself more physically and around the house, so ive been a bit more uncomfortable at night, friday we went home to st.catharines. tonight ill answer the following questions; who has the new nickname 'skidmark'? who gave my mom a black eye? should i have added more spice to my cupcakes? does my dad still have a goatee and possibly the early signs of senility? did i find a bridesmaids dress? all these answers and more in a mere few hours.

looking forward....

first of all, it might sound like my mornings are really lame, but i really look forward to breakfast. its the breakfast of champions and it consists of the following -



i love reese peanut butter puffs. and ever since i became a sugar junkie its been my new breakfast of choice. i used to eat organic yogurt and bananas when i worked, i need to get back to that kind of breakfast....eventually. i just love the pb puffs so much. second of all, im not an iced tea fan but i love love love pom's passion peach iced white tea. its so effing delish. thirdly i love moonbeam coffee. this is nothing new, ive been drinking it for a couple of years now, they serve it at the cafe near work and in kensington market, its a local (i think) organic coffee. Since we just recently bought a coffee maker al picked up some grinds so we can have it at home. its wonderful. we went to ikea today to look for some shelves/movable counters and coffee canisters. al's all about coffee right now. he wants a grinder so we can buy beans, he bought some canisters to store the beans and the grinds in, and when we buy the shelving unit (that wont be in for a few days) were going to display the coffee maker and all the other coffee accoutrements he winds up buying on it. i told him we need to get a poster like this for the kitchen;
hahahahhahahahahahahaahhahaa.

im looking forward to the cavalli collection at h&m but holy shit am i excited for the erin fetherston collection at target. the line is so adorable and affordable and were going november 18th for the launch. al gets to go to mighty taco. i get to go to target. i think were going to tops and also walden galleria. Heres a couple of pics from the erin fetherston line.


are there any newish bands with male vocalists that are good right now? it just seems like everything i listen to has a female or several female vocalists. maybe thats just what i prefer? but i used to like bands with boys. i still like listening to guy bands from 2 years and onwards ago. can anyone recommend any bands? my itunes house cleaning playlist looks like this -



the pipettes, dragonette, mia, feist, amy winehouse and lily allen. its all very good, but any suggestions would be appreciated.

movies, im looking forward to a movie thats coming out in january. Be kind, rewind. good goddamn this looks hilarious. i was guffawing in the theatre when i saw the trailer. it stars jack black and mos def. they run a video rental store and their tapes get magnatized. they cant afford to order new movies so they re shoot everything like ghostbusters. heres the trailer.




ooh and finally im really looking forward to the ladies brunch. invitations go out this week. its going to rage. or not rage but be nice and christmassy and cozy - cuz were gonna wear pjs. and i found some awesome decorations at ikea today so the living room is going to look great. i cant wait to hear what everyone plans on bringing.



im going to need to wear some loose pants, thats why i am suggesting we wear pjs. and it will be like christmas morning but with booze, more food and no presents.

goodnight.

whoa its been a while. after it gets to be too many days it feels overwhelming to write anything so this might be short.
friday morning al and i bought a coffee maker. yup, a brand new delonghi. she sits on our kitchen table. al bought a thermos today so he can set the timer at night and have coffee made in the morning and bring it to work. we bought it with our zellers gift card that we got as a wedding gift.
that night i went to milestones for lisas celebratory dinner (for quitting le shiteau). apparently it was also her five year anniversary and guess what her gift was? a 50 dollar gift card to her own store. thats 83 cents for every month she worked there. i really dont know why she wants to leave but whatevs to each her own. anywas i had a creamy pesto pasta with chicken and it was great but i couldnt finish it. i also ordered a glass of wine and it tasted good but halfway through i had to stop drinking it. it was just too much, it hurt kind of and i got really sleepy. it just wasnt worth it. so i gave it a good home, lisas stomach. here are some pics of everyone at the dinner...including some plastic animals that came with everyones drinks.







the reason theres a bill with a spoon and the word 'fettucine' on it is because we had an awful waitress. she walked up to me and put a spoon in front of my face and said 'fettucine' in the most dead pan of ways, i looked at her confused and she rolled her eyes and said 'you ordered the fettucine?!?!'. obviously im the idiot for not knowing how to react to a spoon in the face.

after the dinner we went to chapters because there was a news report saying that they were charging the american prices. thats a huge deal! so of course after we picked out our books they informed us that the press release was wrong. bait and switch! so i only bought one book, because they gave me 10 percent off. I bought the Moosewood 'new classics' cook book. there are some good recipes in it, and after this halloween season i really need to eat as many veggies as possible (its a vegetarian cook book).
On saturday we had our big trip to barrie. the car ride was stressful, and it was mostly due to me not knowing how to work my ipod. luckily harry is a smart man and he reset it for me. i couldnt get it to play and then it mysteriously disappeared in the car. seriously we looked everywhere and couldnt find it. finally al pulled over somewhere to use the bathroom and i got out of the car and opened both doors and searched everywhere and found it, it slid between the door and my seat.
anna and harry have a beautiful home. it gave me domestic pains. and they have my dream bathroom with a bathtub with jets! so nice. harry did a great job finishing the basement/family room. and theres a cute little nursery for the two little boys anna is hauling around in her belly. we had the greatest lunch i wish i took pics of it. one of my fave things - quesadillas - and a yummy mango salsa. and then the tarts came out, which were really picture worthy but i forgot i had a camera untill we left. there were four and we ate them all - peppermint patty, snickers, raspberry white chocolate cheesecake, and apple cinnamon walnut with a pastry cream. we got them at queen of tarts in roncesvalles. i love that place. so we stayed for a few hours and then i got super hot and loopy. my menopause is in full effect so im going through some weird shit. so we left and spent an hour at the zehrs. what a saturday night!!! we stocked up on halloween candy and i got milk so i could make kraft dinner when we got home. it was a good night, when we got home we just ate dinner and chilled out. heres a pic of anna, harry, shanty and the babies in the belly. and zehrs!!!!!




we went to bed early so we could rest up for the greatest brunch know to man. in toronto anyways.
the hot house brunch was effing incredible. i ate soooo much. and not only do they have every breakfast food imagineable, they put out lunch items too, like my fave pastas! man alive, and the quality of food was so good, and there was live jazz and the coffee was good too, although it should have been included in the price. heres some pics of satisfied brunchers...


Lisa - the eating failure


The Ferrante sisters - eating champs holding the prestigious silver fork awards.





afterwards, alex lisa and i walked around bay and bloor area and saw lars and the real girl. it was soooo good. i laughed a lot, teared up a bit too. it was well done, except i found that the ending could have been a tiny bit tighter. i enjoyed the ending, it just seemed as though the pacing really changed at the end, as if they were editing it and a producer came in and was like 'youre only getting 20 more minutes of screen time so wrap it up'. like maybe a little bit of story was sacrificed, or missing at least? otherwise, i really recommend seeing it.

i also bought a sweet touque. there was a snag so i got a discount. here it is....




it looks pretty cute in real life. heres a picture of what alex thought it was going to look like. i put it on the wrong way when we left the store and she was trying her hardest to pretend to not hate it but her face kind of gave her thoughts away. then i caught a reflection of myself in the mirror and was like 'whoa i look retarded'. then i explained to her that i had it on wrong and she was relieved.


ok im going to make a pb and banana sandwich this friggin blog took forever to write. and im going to go cuddle furley she might have ear mites :(